The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
