I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I need moral support for this bender
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
