I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
operation harelip BJ is a go
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
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