I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
