We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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