I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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