you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
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He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Found your dick twin last night
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
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How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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