24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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