i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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