I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Is it because I queefed?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Randomize
