you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize