i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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