just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
