you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
