wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
