so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
He uses pillows to masturbate.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
