What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
