Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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