Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
