I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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