I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
