i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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