Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
