i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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