We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
