He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
soo... how was my night?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
