I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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