Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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