see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
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