We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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