the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
