Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
