just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
