I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
