Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
