I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
