hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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