also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Randomize
