I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
