you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
