so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
