Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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