I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
