woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
