so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
