somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
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