You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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