I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
