If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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