i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
