I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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