she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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