When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
im having a threesome with these popsicles
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
