"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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