you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
